I'm Alright
by McGeesJabberwock
Summary: The Penguin commits suicide and the Joker is sad.


'Everything's perfect!' squealed the Joker as he observed his neat and tidy living room, decorated with doilies and pretty flowers in vases. He had worked for hours making sure the room looked just perfect for the Penguin's visit that evening. The Penguin deserved only the best, after all.

Joker threw himself on one of the seats he had so meticulously cleaned, thinking back on all the good times he and the Penguin had over the years. A picture of the two together, prancing down a lush flower field, had even been propped up on the coffee table. What joy they had had that day, eating ice cream, watching the clouds go by, murdering several unsuspecting Gotham citizens and dancing on their remains.

As the Joker turned on the radio to play music that reminded him of the good times, he heard a knock on the door, and then chuckled with joy. In seconds, he darted to the door, his fingers twiddling with excitement. He opened the door and welcomed the Penguin while wearing his famous grin.

The Penguin didn't smile back.

In fact, the Penguin's face was elongated into a long frown, his monocle accentuating the tears and puffy lumps under his eyes. When the Joker greeted him, the Penguin only responded by lifting a hand and stumbling into the hall.

'Ooh,' said the Joker, keeping his smile even if something within him told him not to, 'We're going to have some fun tonight! We're going to order pizza and stay up all night telling ghost stories and then watch some movies...'

'That's nice.' The Penguin tossed himself on the couch, his hunch back more pronounced than usual.

'Pengy-poo!' said the Joker, clutching his gloved hands, 'Is something wrong?'

The Penguin stared at the floor, yet still continued to speak to Joker. 'I've lost the will to live, Joker. I can't go on!' With that, he burst into tears.

The Joker sat beside the Penguin on the couch, placing an arm on his shoulder. 'Oh come on, you don't mean that!'

'Yes, I do,' sniffed the Penguin, wiping away some mucus dripping down his pointed nose. 'I was fighting Batman the other day and he beat me really hard. When I couldn't fight anymore, he said that I was worthless!'

'You don't believe that, do you?'

'What if he's right? What if I'm not a good criminal? I always end up in jail after all...'

'Oh, don't think like that,' replied the Joker, lifting up the Penguin. 'You _are_ a good criminal. The people of Gotham live in fear of you! You shouldn't listen to Batman!'

'But what if he's right?'

'Don't listen to Batman! He's a big bully and doesn't understand you! You're a terrifying villain, and sometimes I wish I could be as evil as you!'

The Penguin dried his eyes, and a slight smile emerged on his face. 'Really?'

'Really. Now, would you like some Dominoes?'

The Penguin hugged Joker. 'Okay.' So they passed the night eating pizza, laughing at bad horror movies and sharing stories of their crimes.

'I have found the will to live again!' laughed the Penguin, right before a rock flew through the window. Attached to it was a note saying "Dear Penguin, You're fat, Love Batman." 'Never mind. I'm suicidal again,' said Penguin before shooting himself.

'NO!' cried the Joker on his knees, clawed hands raised to the sky. 'Why, God, why? Why the Penguin? Why the most beautiful creature known to man? Take me instead!'

As he held the Penguin's round head in his arms, the Joker thought back to the merry days he had spent with this wonderful man. He had so wanted more of those days, but now that wish would never be fulfilled. Not only had he lost a friend, but Gotham had lost a true genius, it had lost one of its greatest citizens. No more would the Penguin bring smiles to little children with his novelty umbrella. No more would he bring style to get-togethers with his witty repertoire.

The Joker spent the rest of the night cuddled up to the Penguin's carcass, rubbing his fingers through his hair, crying on the corpse as if tears would bring back his friend. When morning broke, he realised that the Penguin was too good to be buried under the ground. Instead, on that morning, as the birds outside sung a melody of melancholy, the Joker placed the Penguin in a glass coffin to be forever displayed in his living room. All visitors would be reminded of the great bird-like man.

Later, the Joker sat on a bench in the park, cradling his Fluttershy toy. 'Oh, Fluttershy, you are the only one who understands me.'

Just then, none other than Batman, the same Batman who had driven a magnificent being to suicide, swooped in, sneering as usual. 'What are you so sad about?'

'What's it to you?'

'Tell me.'

Sighing, the Joker complied. 'The Penguin is dead.'

A moment of silence followed before Batman laughed maniacally, raising his fists to the heavens, letting an array of bats surround him. 'At last! The world is free of that fat bastard! And you finally understand that the world is a never-ending cycle of loss and pain!'

Holding his Fluttershy tighter, the Joker looked harder at Batman, more tears streaming from his eyes. 'How dare you! It was because of you he committed suicide! Speak words of comfort!'

'Wanna hear something comforting, Joker?' said Batman with a hellish smile. 'You're fired as my arch-enemy.'

'What?'

'You're too lame and stupid. My new arch-enemy is **Robot Dude**.'

Just then, a ten-foot-tall robot fell from the sky. It could breathe fire and had chainsaws for fingers on one hand, lightsabers for fingers on the other. Then it killed Crazy Quilt and Professor Bubbles.

'Isn't he badass? He has power! He kills D-list villains! That makes him cooler than you'll ever be!'

Just then, Robot Dude stole Joker's Fluttershy toy. As Joker shrieked, 'GIVE HER BACK', Robot Dude ripped Fluttershy in half, making Joker cry even harder.

'Well done, Robot Dude,' said Batman with a hoarse laugh, 'Now Joker feels twenty per cent _crappier_! Mua ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Then he shoved Joker into the mud, and he and Robot Dude chortled sadistically.

Later, Joker got home and began playing with the gun the Penguin had used to shoot himself. Why not use it? What was left for him? His best friend in the entire world was dead and he was no longer Batman's archenemy. Life would no longer be cheerful for him. All the future seemed to promise was misery and agony. Slowly he shoved the gun in his mouth.

Before he could pull the trigger, Joker looked up at the ceiling to see a bright light. Down from the light descended the Penguin, now wearing a bright white robe. The Joker was so happy to see his friend again that he dropped the gun and ran up to hug the Penguin. His arms, however, went right through the glowing Penguin.

'Do not be sad, Joker,' said the Penguin, 'I am in Heaven now and I am finally happy.' Then he disappeared and the Joker waved goodbye, wiping away tears. He had regained his happiness, his energy, his cheer.

So he knew exactly what to do.

He burst out onto the streets of Gotham, tossing flame-throwing jack-in-the-boxes onto the streets, cackling as they lit civilians on fire. 'Hey! That's what I'm supposed to do,' came a familiar voice. None other than Robot Dude stormed into the scene, flexing his fingers. 'I'm Batman's arch-nemesis now, clowny man, so piss off!'

Joker's response was to pull out a bazooka, which he fired at Robot Dude, reducing the latter to a pile of spare parts. Looking upwards, the Joker saw Batman swoop down from a building. When Batman saw the remains of Robot Dude, he let out a scream of pain. 'My most badass villain! No!'

'I'm alright,' laughed the Joker, 'I'm alright.'


End file.
